Classified Files: Ackerman, Levi
by LumiOlivier
Summary: AU Crack! Hanji needs a favor from Levi, but there's no way Levi would be so willing. That's what she has Eren for! But...Well...Why can't Hanji's experiments ever go right?
1. Have a Drink

**A/N: Hi there! I'm Lumi, your new cartoon friend. Now, I haven't ever, ever, ever written for Attack on Titan before. This is my first ever. And I'm kind of happy with it. It'll make you laugh, it'll make you cry, it'll make you question your reality. But for the most part, I had an idea to do this as a cosplay crack, but unfortunately, I can't get the bodies. So! We're going to do a thingy thing here and make it into a fic instead. If anyone wants to do a thing and make this a cosplay crack where I failed to, you're more than welcome. At least tweet me the video, so I can get a cheap laugh out of it. Now, it's going to be you and me every Thursday for the next…I don't know. However long I decide to make this. It could be a couple weeks. It could be the next few months. But it's going to be every Thursday because why not? I had an empty spot in my week. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy, my new friends. Kisses!**

 **EDIT: Oops! This was the one that was supposed to go up yesterday...To all of you expecting Attack on Titan and got a mouthful of Supernatural instead, I'm sorry. Lumi did an oopsie. Here. Try this one.**

Why can't I come by a good test subject these days? Eren bit me last time and the last thing I wanted was him turning titan on me. Or maybe that wouldn't be a half bad idea. No. The MPs got mad at me the last time I poked at Eren and got him to turn titan for me. That was not a fun mess to clean up. I wonder if I could sneak into Erwin's office. I don't see why not. He has files on everyone in the Survey Corps. I'm sure those include physicals. In that filing cabinet would be a test subject for Mama Hanji to play with. I'm sure of it. I can smell it.

Huh. Looks like Erwin's not home. And even better, his office is unguarded. And unlocked. It's too bad. I brought my lock pick for nothing. Oh well. If Erwin left his office unlocked, I don't have much time. He could be back any minute. I had to be quick and sneaky. Once I heard footsteps, I knew it was time to go. At random, I pulled a file out of the top drawer and booked it to the lab. If Erwin would've caught me, he would've killed me. Or hit me on the nose with a newspaper. Either or. Now, which one is going to be my new lucky guinea pig?

Oh...

Oh, yes...

This is perfect.

I did grab out of the top drawer. So nicely labeled with the letters A-C.

Ackerman, Levi. Age: 34. Height: Six feet, two inches. Who are you trying to bullshit, Captain? Who did you pay off? If you clear five feet in heels on a good day, you're in the clear. Let's keep going. Weight: 65 kilograms. Ok. That's understandable. Status: Healthy. Yes. You will do quite well, Levi. Now...How do I get you here? There's no way you'd come so willingly. If I tell him my lab's a mess, he'll just yell at me. How do I catch a Levi...? I think I got it.

"Psst..." I stuck my head out the lab door, catching my favorite little cadet passing by, "Eren..."

"No, Hanji!" Eren jumped out of reflex, "No more tests!"

"No, no, no," I calmed him down, "It's ok. I'm not putting you through anymore tests, Eren. You're fine. It's ok."

"Oh," he breathed a heavy sigh of relief, "In that case, hi, Hanji. What do you want?"

"I need you to get Levi for me," I told him, "But don't tell him I want him. Just get him to my lab."

"What do you want Captain Levi for?" Eren looked at me weird. I don't understand. Why do people think I'm nuts?

"Just for a drink." Eren's great, but the kid's got loose lips. I just hope he can keep me out of it.

"Ok," he was still a bit skeptical, but to be fair, I have put him through the wringer for the sake of science. I get it.

"If you do this for me," I bargained, "I'll make you cookies."

"And let me watch?" Eren stipulated, "Last time you made me cookies, you drugged them."

"Drugged is a harsh word."

"Hanji, I shifted in the middle of a scouting mission! And ended up with a rash from Hell!"

So, what did we learn from that?"

"Not to trust your baking!" Eren squealed.

"No," I corrected him, "We learned you're allergic to cinnamon. Hence the rash. And because of your allergic reaction, your body freaked. That's why you went titan. But what I was trying to figure out was if you could maintain your lucidity while you were a titan. Did you?"

"Well..." he settled down, "Yeah. But is there a way of finding that out without drugging me?"

"Again, your words, not mine," I pointed out, "Anyway! Just get Levi for me."

"How?" Oh, Eren...It's a good thing you're cute with a lot of heart.

"Just ask him to meet up for a drink and all the booze is in the lab," I shoved him out the door, "Good luck, kiddo! Make me proud!"

He should be ok...right? Levi won't be too hard on him...right?

Wait...Did I just throw Eren to the biggest baddest wolf in the garrison? Oh, well. As long as I get my test subject and Eren survives, it'll be fine. I hope. If not and I don't get Levi, this little experiment could work with Armin, too. But I'm pretty sure he's afraid of me. Such a shame. Come on, Jaeger. Come through for me. I guess while I'm waiting for Levi, I could do a little mixing.

Theoretically, if I've done the math right (which, let's face it...My math is always right.), this serum should be able to genetically modify the cells in Levi's body and allow him to put on muscle mass like nobody's business. In a way, it'll operate like a sort of super steroid and he'll be all good and beefy in the matter of a couple days. That is, if this works. When it works. Come on, Hanji. Keep that confidence up. It'll work.

The inner wall would love something like this and my work will finally get the respect it deserves. Not to mention, it couldn't hurt to have resident titan killing machine and overall badass Levi Ackerman juiced on overpowered steroids. And...Well...Mikasa scares me a little. Now, what do we have in Mama Hanji's spice cabinet to play with?

A dash of protein. A few drops of folic acid...A few more drops of folic acid for cell reproduction. A little bit of fish oil, so Levi's heart doesn't give out from this. A heavy helping of iron. A few little extra bits that I've made myself. Bring to a boil, then drop the heat. Leave it on to simmer for ten minutes. Then, flash freeze is...There! That should do it! Now, I'll just slip a couple cubes in Levi's drink. He'll be none the wiser. This might actually work. What am I saying? Of course it will...I hope. Fingers crossed.

Later in the evening, things started to wind down around here. All the little cadets tucked into their beds. All the higher ups in their cozier, less itchy beds. Hopefully, all except one higher up in particular. Hopefully, said higher up is still out of bed. And he's on his way to my lab. A girl can hope, can't she? Come on, Eren. Come through for me. I'm waiting, Levi.

"Eren?" Bingo. I owe someone a batch of cookies.

"Try again, Captain." Levi drinks vodka, doesn't he? I'm pretty sure he does.

"Dammit, Jaeger..." he grumbled, "What are you doing here, Hanji? I'm supposed to be meeting-"

"Eren for drinks," I finished his sentence for him, "I know. I asked him to bring you here."

"Again, I say," Levi pulled up a chair, "What are you doing here, Hanji?"

"It's my lab," I reminded him, "You want a drink anyway? I think it's past Eren's bedtime."

"What the hell?" he let out a heavy sigh, "You have all the booze anyway."

Good boy, Eren. There is definitely a batch of cookies coming your way. And you can be my big helper, "What are we drinking?"

"Vodka rocks," Levi ordered, watching me very carefully while I mixed his drink with the super cubes fresh from the freezer. Carefully, he studied every aspect of it. The fresh bottle of vodka, the glass, any mixers I might have put in it (I knew better. Levi drank his vodka straight these days.). I bit the inside of my cheek to keep myself from smiling. And now, we wait. Go on, Levi. Drink every last drop. I know you will...Unfortunately, I won't be able to see results quite yet, but in theory, it'll be approximately tomorrow morning.

"So?" I grinned, watching for any change in Levi at all. Nothing. His emotionless face stayed frozen as he finished his drink, "How was your day?"

"Hanji..." he shut his eyes for a moment, "If I could kill the bottle and go to bed in silence, that'd be fantastic."

"Whatever you say, Levi." I shut my mouth. Anything to be able to keep an eye on him. I almost wanted to watch him while he slept, but apparently, that's frowned upon.

"And if you could stop staring at me with that creepy fucking grin on your face, that'd be even better."

"Sorry..." I wanted to watch...But whatever keeps him here for the time being. I started pouring myself a drink, too. I earned it, "Why you so bitter, Captain?"

"Are you serious?" Levi glared at me, "Can you blame me?"

"Do you need to talk about it, champ?" I offered a shoulder to cry on. However, I don't know if Levi's capable of crying. I've never seen it myself.

"Hanji..."

I should've known, "Ok. I'll be quiet."

"Thank you," Levi sat back and had his drink, finishing off the bottle, "Hanji..."

"Yes, Captain?"

"You have washed your beakers today, right?"

"Of course," I assured, "I don't want anything to ruin future experiments. Come on, Levi. Any self-respecting scientist makes sure there's some sort of cleanliness in their lab."

"Except for you."

"I did not ask you to come here and call me out!" I squeaked.

"Why did you ask me here?" Levi wondered, "You never ask me to your lab unless you want something."

"Technically, I didn't ask you. Eren did."

"You used Eren to get me here," he corrected himself, "Why?"

"Because," I tried to think of a good reason, but to no avail, "Sometimes, I like the occasional company. Is that so bad?"

"When I'm your only option," Levi emptied the bottle down his throat, "Yes. Now, I'll be leaving you. Good night, Hanji."

"Good night." It's too bad I won't be able to watch Levi become big and beefy, but hopefully, things will work out. If not, then it'll be back to the drawing board.

 **A/N: So? Not bad for my first time out, huh? Next week, we see results. Also, I do have a few headcanons that come to life in this story. And I love them all. I can't wait for you to see the rest of the shenanigans that ensue around the Survey Corps. Will Erwin ever find out that Hanji was in his office? Will Eren ever get his cookies? We may never know. We may find out next week. I'll see you next chapter. xx**


	2. FIX ME-ow

**A/N: I don't know if people are really going to get pissed off about this. I've seen it happen before, so better safe than sorry, but Levi can't control his mouth, so….If you're one of those people, Levi's got a hella potty mouth in this chapter. Just a side note.**

"HANJI!" _Pound, pound,_ "I know you're in there! Get your ass up and fix this!"

Glasses…Where are my glasses? I felt around on my makeshift nightstand in the lab and got out of bed. What the hell, Levi? Oh! That's right! Progress! I wonder what happened. Am I going to open the door and find him doubled in size and ready to beat some titans? That'd be fantastic! Ideally, I would've watched the transformation happen in real time, but unfortunately, I've been banned from Levi's quarters. There's official paperwork.

"Morning, Captain," I rubbed my eyes, "What can I do for you?"

"What the fuck did you do to me?!" Ooh. So angry so early. Then again, it's Levi, so I'm not too terribly surprised. This is normal. Looks like he's holding steady. He also likes to slam doors in my lab. Good to know. The serum makes him moody. Side effect number one. May cause moodiness. I wish I had my notebook on me. Or at least a pen.

"What do you…" I swear, I must be hallucinating. I took my glasses off and cleaned them on my shirt, "OH MY GOD, LEVI, YOU'RE ADORABLE!"

"SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH, HANJI!" Levi is definitely angry. And I don't think it's a side effect of the serum, "FIX THIS OR I SWEAR TO CHRIST, I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!"

"Alright," I brought him into the lab, out of the doorway, "Let's use our inside voice here."

"What did you give me?" Levi growled.

"I didn't give you anything!" I had to fight the urge to touch his ears. I just…want to…

"LIES!" he hissed at me. I'm sorry. It's hard to take him serious right now. Especially with the tail. Levi brought himself down, "Hanji…I'm not adorable. I'm not a cat. I'm not your test subject. Now, what…the fuck…did you do to me?"

"But…Levi," I awed, "You're so cute! I'm sorry!"

"You didn't get clearance for this, did you?"

"When do I ever get clearance?" I scoffed, "Clearance, ethics board, superiors. Science doesn't need clearance."

"Does Erwin know?"

"You can't prove it was me," I jumped on the defensive. I was already high enough on Erwin's shit list. I didn't need anything more.

"Hanji," Levi stared at me blankly, "I woke up this morning with cat ears and a tail. You don't think Erwin would figure out it was you? How are you still allowed to play with chemicals?"

"I'm good at what I do," I shrugged, "But sometimes, some things don't go the way they're supposed to. But in that comes discovery."

"Well discover a fucking cure!"

"Levi," I tried my best to get him to settle down before he gives himself an aneurysm, "Does anyone know about this outside of you and me?"

"God, I hope not," Levi cringed, his little ears on the top of his head drooping down. Oh my god…I can't…

"Alright then," I put the coffee on, "Looks like we'll have to handle this with the utmost discretion."

"And quickly," he snarled. I just…No, Hanji. Don't do it.

"Well, first thing's first," I rolled across the floor on my rolling stool, "We find out what exactly went wrong."

"What exactly was this supposed to accomplish?" Levi asked, "Did you have intentions of making the entire garrison like this? We're supposed to meow the titans to death?"

"Actually," I clarified, "What this was supposed to do was make it super, super easy for you to put on more muscle mass almost instantly. In a way, it'd give you simulated titan abilities without you actually becoming a titan. It'd completely rid us of the need for titan shifters and they wouldn't be quite the loose cannons they are."

Levi stared me over in disbelief, "You know, Hanji, that's one of the smartest things you've ever said. So, where, in God's green Earth, did you make the disconnect in your research between simulated titan abilities and making me this?"

"That's what I need to figure out." And it'd be much easier when I didn't have Levi breathing down my neck. Or sitting off to the side being adorable. Let's see…Everything I used in it was still out. Exactly what I needed. Everything's still on the up and up, "But are you really so surprised that I came up with a good idea?"

"With you?" he glared, "Yes. Very much so. You may be a mad genius, but you have your moments of genius."

"Aww," I melted inside, "That's so sweet, Levi."

"Don't read too into it."

I couldn't fight it anymore. I had to ask, "Hey, Levi…"

"What?" he laid out on one of the exam tables, stretched out.

"Can I…" I couldn't keep a smile off my face, "Can I pet you?"

"Absolutely not." Well, he can't fault me for trying, "I'd rather you got me a drink instead."

"If I get you a drink," I bargained, "Can I pet you then?"

"No. Get me a goddamn drink, Hanji. That's all I ask right now."

"Sure," I nodded, "Isn't it a little early for booze, though?"

"Did you wake up a cat this morning?"

"No."

"Then, you can't bitch at me for wanting a drink." I felt so bad for Levi, though. I might have been the one that put him in this position, but still. How bad could being a cat be? He's still mostly person. I don't know to what extent he's a cat.

"Ok," I let him have that one, "What do you want?"

"Did I finish off your vodka last night?" he asked.

"I don't think so," I checked in the cabinet and found a full bottle, "What were you thinking?"

"Make me a white Russian."

"Sure," I checked the fridge for cream. And again…I can't leave that go untouched, "Do you want that in a glass or a saucer?"

"HANJI!"

"Glass," I froze, "Got it. Sorry."

Yeah. I'm really not in any position to be making jokes. Levi already wants me dead. Let's not poke that bear. I gathered my ingredients and mixed Levi a white Russian like he asked me to. Well…Ask isn't really the word for it. More like an angry demand. One of those things that if I didn't do it, my death would be slow and painful. But if I'm dead, how would Levi get back to normal? Yay! Loopholes!

"Hey, Levi," I wondered, "Exactly how much of you is cat right now?"

"The fact that you have to ask that question disturbs me," Levi grumbled, "But…Given the circumstances. All I know about is my ears and my tail. Other than that, I think the rest is relatively human yet."

"I know you're going to hate me for this."

"I already hate you, Hanji."

"But," I brought him his drink, "For the sake of me having you here, I may need to run you through a battery of different tests. Just to see what we got here."

"Define battery of different tests…" Levi's skepticism was to be expected.

"To see what cat traits you have and what you don't," I explained, "Just a few. It won't be too terribly difficult. Lay on your stomach right now."

"WHY?!"

"Just do it," I rolled my eyes, "We're this far down the rabbit hole. What's the worst I could do to you now?"

"You make a very valid point," Levi rolled over onto his stomach for me. He still didn't trust me, but I can't blame him. How I have anyone's trust will forever astound me. I know he said I couldn't pet him, but he did kind of give me permission to do what I had to here. Instead of petting him, I ran my finger up Levi's spine. Sure enough, his long, black tail twitched, his back arched, and he stuck his kitty butt in the air, "I hate you, Hanji."

"You might be more kitty than you think," I beamed.

"I hate you so much, Hanji…"

"Alright," I brought myself back, "We'll run a few tests and find a cure and fix you up to get you back into fighting shape! Although, I'm sure your titan fighting abilities are still there."

"I don't care," Levi balled up on the table, "Just…Fix this."

 **A/N: LEVI'S A KITTY KITTY! I'm so happy. I've seen more fanart of kitty Levi than I'd like to admit, but I had to. And God knows it'd be Hanji to do it. Bless her. Because I don't know about you, but the thought of a little kitty Levi balled up in my lap sleeping soundly makes me melt inside. And it makes me so happy. I'll see you next chapter! xx**


	3. Trials

**A/N: Hi, friends. Like I told you last week, I'm not home right now. I'm currently in Michigan right now. If you want to come up and say hi, my Instagram is in my bio. You're more than welcome to. I'm going to try to keep that updated as much as possible. Twitter, too. So, I'm going to give you your update and be on my way, ok?**

Ok. So, Levi's a little pissed at me for making his outside match his inside. Even when I told him it was for science, he still threw his boot at me. Did I drop the ball? No. I just rolled the ball in a different direction. Now, as of right now, I had a very unique opportunity to study this further. Exactly how much did this serum make Levi a cat? I could see the ears and the tail. When I scratched his back, he stuck his ass in the air. How much more cat was he? I know I should be focused on finding a cure, but I can't help myself.

"Hanji," Levi tried inching away from me, "What the hell are you doing to me now?"

"Attaching electrodes," I told him, getting more surgical tape, "Why? Be a lamb and take your shirt off please."

"I don't think so," the prude kept himself covered, "What are the electrodes for?"

"To measure your brain activity while I test various stimuli on you," I taped one to his temple.

"What kind of stimuli?" Levi was really trying to run on me. If he's not careful, he's getting a leash. Or a crate.

"Just a few things," I undid his top button, "Now, take your shirt off."

"Jesus, Hanji!" he pushed me off, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"That's for a team of specialists to figure out."

"Hanji!"

"Levi," I let out a heavy sigh, "I've been the one that's performed more of your physicals than I can count. You act like I've never seen you shirtless. I just need to put on two more on your chest and I can't do that when you've decided to play shy. Now, take your shirt off. It's just you and me in here and I've already promised you total secrecy."

"Hanji, I hate you." Levi undid the rest of his buttons. There we go, Levi. That wasn't so hard, was it?

"Thank you," I put my last two electrodes on Levi's body. And now, I'm ready to get these tests underway! "How are you feeling?"

"Angry."

"What else is new?" I rolled my eyes, "Seriously. Are you relaxed? Comfortable?"

"Relaxed?" My god, those monitors are going apeshit, "Are you fucking serious?!"

"I know," I sat with him, "But before we can move on, we need for you to settle down. If you don't improve in the next ten minutes, I'll give you a sedative."

"For what?" he snapped, "So I could be a dog, too? Or worse, you could screw with me while I'm sleeping?"

"It wouldn't be enough to put you to sleep." But Levi could be a lightweight, "I didn't make these. They're from the inner wall. You still need to calm down, though."

"How can I calm down?" Levi only got angrier with each passing minute. Someone needed a hug. But I had a sneaking suspicion that if it were me, I'd be stabbed before I could make contact, "People aren't supposed to wake up like this, Hanji!"

"I know." Screw it. There's no way he's coming down on his own. I'm getting a sedative. Hopefully, it won't mess up my data too much. I gave Levi a white tablet and a glass of water, "Take this. We don't have time."

"And you're sure this is from the inner wall?"

"Yes," I thought about getting him catnip, but at this point, I feel like it'd be more of an insult and it'd only piss him off more.

"Alright," Levi threw back his sedative like a champ and we gave it a minute to kick in. Between that and the white Russian he had earlier, he should be fine. Just as I started to notice he was all good and loopy, I started my tests.

 _Behavior test one: Bell response._

"Levi," I did a quick check, "Are you still with me?"

"I'm still here," Levi drawled a little. Yep. He's good and high. Beautiful. Maybe the sedative will make him more receptive to these tests. I did a quick check of his reflexes and everything seemed to still be there. Fantastic! We have a base reading to work from!

"Alright," I got out my little bell, "Do you know what this is?"

"It's a bell."

"Very good," I praised, setting off the monitors. _Subject responds well to praise_ , "Now…What do you think about the bell?"

"It's shiny?" Levi gave me a look. _Subject is slightly mistrusting_ , "What does this have to do with…"

Ding!

Instantly, Levi's ears perked up. _Subject is excitable by bell sounds. May possibly even enjoy it._ Oh, this is going to be a fun morning.

"What was that about?" Levi wondered. _Subject is still mistrusting and possibly confused with his current emotional state. Prior to experiments, bells had no effect._

"Cats have a thing about bells," I pointed out, "And by the looks of things, you're no different."

 _Behavior test two. Toys._

I knew I had a ball of string somewhere. I cut off a decent length and showed it off, "Levi, what's this?"

"Seriously?" he scoffed, "It's string, Hanji. Is there any particular reason you're asking me idiot questions?"

"Just making sure you're still in your head," I started to dangle it in front of his face, "How do you feel about me doing this?"

"Ever hear of a Columbian necktie?" _Subject is showing signs of hostility. However, given his situation, it's completely rationalized._

"Are you sure about that?" I dangled it even more, doing everything I could to invoke a reaction.

"Goddammit, Hanji..." Levi swatted it out of his face. And again. And again. _Subject has grown attached to the string._

"So?" I asked, "What do you think about the string?"

"I just wanted it out of my face!" _Subject is lying about his appreciation for the string. See monitor read-out._ Levi loves the string no matter how much he says he doesn't.

"Ok," I took his string away, bringing back a feather I had found on the ground outside the lab, "What do you think of this one?"

"Get that away from me," Levi demanded, "Cat or not, I'm still your commanding officer, Hanji. I'm sure that thing is riddled with germs and disease and since you're my only option for a doctor right now, I'd rather not get sick."

 _Subject does not respond well to the feather._

 _Behavior test three (final): The Hunt._

"Alright, Levi," I got out one of the test rats. I called this one Henry. It's too bad this could be his last test, "I'm going to set one of the test rats loose in the lab. I want you to catch it."

"Hanji, this is humiliating," Levi grumbled, "Can I just lay here and take a little nap?"

 _Subject is showing signs of laziness_ , "Come on, Levi. It's just like fighting titans! Only on a smaller scale. Could you imagine if it'd be this easy to fight the titans? Humanity would be able to stand a chance!"

"I'm not chasing rats around the lab."

"Are you sure?" I held Henry in front of him _. Subject's heartrate spikes when shown his prey._

"Like I said," Levi stood his ground, "I'm not..."

"And the mouse is loose!" I dropped Henry to the ground and Levi took off from the exam table. _Subject shows signs of excitement when presented with his prey._ I started clocking him. Honestly, watching Levi chase after this mouse was almost as fascinating as watching him go after titans. This required much more precision than the titans, though. Then, Levi had Henry cornered. _Subject stalks his prey before pouncing on him. Also showing signs of pride in his kill._

"HA!" Levi declared his victory, "Got you, you little shit! Hanji!"

"Yes, sir!" I chirped.

"Get this disgusting vermin away from me," he dropped Henry's dead carcass at my feet. _Subject seeks my approval after catching the mouse. Time: 46 seconds._ Not bad. Good for you, Levi.

 _Conclusion: Very catlike._

 _Solution: Keep small concentration of trial serum one._

"Alright, Levi," I finished writing my notes, "We're done. No more tests."

"Good," he got back up on the exam table, laying down out of sheer exhaustion. I think that sedative might be kicking his ass more than we thought they would. I always knew Levi was a lightweight. I dip into those when there's a lull in the day and I'm bored, "And? What about it?"

"You definitely have more than just outward cat appearances," I told him, "You're more of a kitty than what we thought."

"Point, Hanji," Levi mumbled, half asleep already.

"I just want to do one more test," I told him, "Is that alright?"

"Might as well."

"Ok," I put my hands on Levi's side and gave him a shove. What can I say? I was curious. Surprise, surprise. _When Subject was pushed, he landed on his hands and knees, tail straight in the air._

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Hanji?!" _Subject is still showing signs of hostility._

"I'm sorry," I winced, "Just checking your reflexes."

"THEY WORK!" Levi hissed.

I'm proud of myself with how long I've held out. However, I couldn't hold out anymore. I wrapped my arms around Levi and started petting him, "YOU'RE SO CUTE, CAPTAIN! I ALWAYS WANTED A CAT WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, BUT MY MOM WOULDN'T LET ME HAVE ONE! BUT IT'S OK BECAUSE NOW I HAVE YOU!"

"MY ASS, YOU DO!" Levi bit and scratched at me. Ow…

"Levi…" I nursed my bleeding hand, "That hurt, you dick!"

"Let's get something straight," he ordered, "I am not a cat. I am not your pet. I'm still your commanding officer and I won't be treated with anything less than your utmost respect. Do I make myself clear?"

Yep. Levi was still Levi, "Yes, sir."

"NOW FIX ME!"

"Levi?" Eren's sweet little voice chimed in, his head poking through my lab door. Levi dropped to the other side of the exam table, hiding his current shame, "Hanji, have you seen Levi?"

"What do you want, Eren?" Levi asked, glaring a hole through me.

"We need you," Eren said, "We're about to head out and we can't do that without you."

"You're going to have to," Levi thought on his feet, "Can't someone else do it for today?"

"We're your squad, Captain," Eren pointed out, looking around the room for him.

"Get someone else to do it!"

"Levi…?" Eren grew quiet. Those two had a very strange bond and Eren could tell when there was something bothering his superior, "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," Levi lied, "I will be anyway."

"Levi's under quarantine until further notice," I told him, "You're a natural born leader, Eren. You can manage the squad for the day, can't you?"

"I don't know…" Oh, Eren. Ye have such little faith in yourself.

"I know you can, Eren," Levi gave him a pep talk, "Go out. Take care of the squad. Or I can make what happened in court look like a fucking picnic."

"Yes, sir." Amazing how quickly Eren changed his tune. Good for you, Levi.

"And Eren," I stopped him just before he had the chance to run on me, "If you get a spare minute, can you catch some fish from the stream for me?"

"Sure," he nodded. And then, he ran off on me. They grow up so fast…

"Hey, Hanji…" Levi perked up.

"Yes?"

"Thank you," he spoke softly, "Really and truly. You didn't have to do that."

"I got you into this mess, Levi," I giggled, "It's the least I could do."

"No one needs to see me like this," Levi grumbled, making himself comfortable on the floor, "How long am I going to be quarantined?"

"It'll be a couple days before I can get an antidote."

"A COUPLE DAYS?!"

"Science takes time," I think I may need more of the sedatives, though, "This antidote is going to have to be a mixture of some volatile chemicals and they need to be cared for properly. I don't want my lab exploding."

"Fan…Fucking…Tastic…"

 **A/N: Levi's so salty. It's actually rather adorable, if you ask me. But cats can be assholes. Why should Levi be the exception? See you next chapter when I'm back home and everything's good again! xx**


	4. Plant Life

**A/N: Hi, friends! How are we today on this fine Thursday? Doing good? That's good. Doing not so good? It'll be ok. The hard shit is how we appreciate the good shit. I give you hugs and virtual kisses and all the love in the world. Now, we should…Oh…My trip? It wasn't too bad. You guys weren't around for the first trip to Michigan a couple months ago. That was a mess. This one? This one was a lot better. Thanks for asking. Or not asking. If you did, you got your answer. If you didn't, I just wasted a little of your time. _Now,_ we'll get to this week's chapter, ok?**

I had to do something about Levi being so bitchy. I understand that his current situation isn't exactly ideal, but I'm just glad the serum did kill him by an accidental overdose. That would've been really bad to tell Erwin. First, I turn Levi half cat. Then, I accidentally kill one of humanity's strongest warriors. If I wasn't on Erwin's shit list already. But something still needed to be done about bitchy Levi. And I needed to blow off some steam, too. Although I love my lab, being shut in for so long is enough to drive anyone nuts. And in times like these, I had a special place in the woods I liked to go.

Don't get me wrong. I love science. But in these harsh times, gardening proved to be a rather soothing hobby. And in survival terms, it's genius. My little herb garden was going swimmingly. Grow, my beautiful, green babies, grow! Actually, there were a few of them ready to pick. I took the basil and the parsley. There was another plant I kept around for reasons Erwin will never find out. He's always wondered why so many strays came around here. I had some tea growing, too, but that's not quite ready. There. That should do it. And I bet with some of this, Levi will be just fine.

I started heading back to the lab, but unfortunately, my path was suddenly blocked by the most flawless eyebrows in the garrison. Don't be intimidated, Hanji. Don't be intimidated, "Hi, Erwin."

"Hello, Hanji," Erwin stood over me, "I've been wanting to speak with you."

"Here I am, Commander Handsome," I chirped, hiding any form of weakness, "What can I do for you?"

"I hear Captain Levi is under quarantine in your lab," he began, "Care to explain why?"

"Levi?" God, I hope I don't get excessively sweaty. I mean, that was normal when I talked to Erwin, but that was for a totally different reason. Come on, Hanji. Think on your feet, "Levi came to me, saying he wasn't feeling well and he came down with a wicked case of the flu. I guess you can be too clean. I've been treating him ever since."

"Why wouldn't Levi have gone to the infirmary?" Damn, he's good.

"Well," I had to pull out the big guns. Or in this case, the small gun, "With this particular strain of flu, he's developed a, uh…Very delicate problem. In a very special place. If you catch my drift…"

"Oh…" Erwin cringed, crossing his legs a little, "And you had nothing to do with it?"

"Nope!" I swore, keeping my fingers crossed behind my back, "But I think his rash is because of the new laundry soap. I'd keep an eye on the cadets if I were you."

I could see it all over his face. Erwin wasn't totally buying what I was selling, but he also didn't want to get close enough to Levi to find out on the off chance he was actually sick. That wasn't something that needed to get spread through the camps. Erwin was careful like that. Was I using that caution to my advantage? Damn right, I was. Shortly after, I took off for my lab to check on Levi. Sure enough, he's still sleeping like a baby. I guess those cat naps were nice. Must have been.

Now…Since I have the baby down for a nap, I could actually get some work done. Although, I'm sure slipping him some of my harvest wouldn't be a half bad idea either. I boiled a kettle of water and made some tea with today's pick. I already had some tea from the last time a plant did well for me. Levi wouldn't know the difference. This stuff smells like spearmint anyway. He'll never know.

"Levi…" I spoke softly to him, "Wakey wakey, Captain."

"What do you want, Hanji?" Levi didn't even bother to open his eyes.

"I have something I want you to try," I blew on the hot cup for him. The last thing I wanted was for Levi to burn himself.

"Is it a cure?"

"We won't know until we try," I gave him a nudge, "Come on, Levi. Drink."

"The last time I drank something you made for me, I became a cat," Levi sat up, "Forgive me for being a little skeptical."

"Understandable," I agreed, "But right now, I'm the only one that can get you out of this. By the way, Erwin was asking about you."

"When did you see Erwin?" he perked up.

"On my way back," I pushed the cup toward him. As long as he doesn't swat it over, "He asked me why you were quarantined. If he asks you about a rash, just say it was an allergic reaction to the laundry soap."

"Ok…?" Levi gave me a look, "So, what are you giving me?"

"It's tea, really," I watched him drink it, "We'll give it a minute to kick in."

"This is really good," he took another drink, "What kind of tea is it?"

"It's an herbal mixture," I explained, "It's ginseng, white tea, and catnip."

"Why the fuck would you give me catnip?!"

"Look at yourself, Levi," I reminded him, "If all goes well, this should make you feel better."

"Actually," Levi did a quick assessment of himself, "I already feel pretty good. Kind of tingly. This feels really nice. Do you have any more of that?"

"For now," I stopped him, "We're going to hold off. I don't want you getting too stoned here."

"Come on, Hanji!" he fought me, "Give me some more."

"Finish what you got first!"

"Fine," Levi downed it. There's no way he didn't just burn his esophagus, "Hit me."

"No, Levi," I kept it from him, "You're not getting any more for a while. I can't take care of you when you're high off your ass on catnip and work on a cure for you."

"Give it to me!"

"Hey, Hanji…" Oh, great. Just what I needed. Company, "When can I expect my cookies?"

"Sorry, Eren," I got Levi to lay back on my exam table, "I've got a lot of shit on my plate. Your cookies are going to have to…"

"OH MY GOD!" Someone got a good look at his superior, "Hanji…Levi's…Levi's a…"

"Yep," I made Levi another cup of tea just to shut him up, "Isn't he cute?"

"Hanji…" Levi shot me the dirtiest evil glare.

"Sorry," I giggled under my breath, "But it's true. Your cookies are going to have to go on hold, Eren. I won't be able to do much baking until Levi's one hundred percent human again."

"How did this happen?" Eren wondered while Levi slinked down into his napping position. Looks like the catnip is hitting him harder than he thought.

"Well," I began, "It started with a girl and her lab. She thought to herself, what can I do to better humanity? Getting rid of the titans would be a good idea. But how can we do that a little quicker? A stronger military. So, I started mixing some things around and created what I thought would've been a muscle stimulant for the cadets. But I needed to test it. That's when I thought again, I need someone to test this on."

"Yeah," Levi chimed in, "What made you pick me?"

"Luck of the draw," I grinned, "Who was the healthiest badass in the garrison? That was you, Levi."

"Wonderful," he shut his eyes for a moment.

"And this happened," Eren still couldn't believe it. He watched as Levi's tail drooped. Yep. He's sleeping.

"If you could keep this between us," I bit my lip, "That'd be really cool of you."

"Eren," Levi mumbled in his arm.

"Yes, sir?" Eren tensed up.

"If you tell anyone about this, I will cut your dick off, throw it to a titan, and make you watch. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir," he crossed his legs the same way Erwin did today. That's cute. I'm starting to think it's just a guy thing. Levi was already asleep. I so wanted to. And I'm not the only one.

"Hey, Eren," I smirked, making sure to keep my voice down, "You want to pet him, don't you?"

"What?" Eren turned bright red. Aww…How cute, "No! Of course not!"

"You know," I took a seat on the lab counter, "I've been doing a little reading on cats, just to familiarize myself with what's going on with Levi. And there's nothing they like more than being pet while they're sleeping. Just be careful with his tail."

"Why?"

"Because it's one of his erogenous areas," I took a drink of what Levi left in his cup. Damn, this isn't bad.

"What's erogenous mean?"

"It means he'll red rocket if you touch his tail."

"Hanji," Eren cringed, "I didn't need to know about that."

"And a male cat's penis is barbed," I went on, "That's got to hurt like hell. I haven't gotten close enough to Levi to find out if he's got that, too."

"Hanji!" I thought he was going to puke. It's bad enough I have to take care of Levi. I don't need to take care of Eren, too.

"Alright, I'll stop." Because heaven forbid I share my appreciation for science, "Go ahead, Eren. You can pet him. He's sleeping. What's he going to do? Just be careful around his tail."

Eren approached his superior slowly, carefully. Then, he ran his fingers down Levi's back. And I swear to God, I just heard him purr.

 **A/N: I love cat Levi right now. He's high on catnip. He's mellowed out. He's got Eren petting him. Everything's doing good for him right now. Except for the fact that Eren knows now. And didn't Hanji say something about Eren not being able to keep a secret? Although, I'm sure Levi's threat was pretty binding. Either way, see you next chapter! xx**


	5. Special Op

**A/N: Hi, friends! How are we today? Well, it's early in the night when I'm writing this because I spent all day with a baby and my stove (not together. That's dangerous.) and now, I'm finally sitting down at my computer, ready to get shit done. Are you ready? Because I'm ready. Also, my apologies in advance. I'll tell you why at the end. Let's get to it!**

I think I may be onto something. Instead of using folic acid for the serum, I wonder if introducing artificial stem cells into the subject's bloodstream would be better. Because I think the extra folic acid I gave to Levi may be the problem. And maybe the artificial stem cells would find the abnormality in Levi's default genetic code like his new cat features and attack them. Right now, it was worth a shot. Let's just take a quick look at that folic acid bottle, shall we? When I got it, they said it was from the old world, so God only knows when it expired. Because Erwin's a fucking cheapskate.

Oh…

Oh my…

That does explain a few things. The label had the word 'line' above folic acid. The first half had been torn. Who wants to bet that this is…Oops. Sorry, Levi.

Bang!

"Hanji," Levi flipped back over. Poor thing fell off the exam table, "I'm bored."

"Then, go play outside," I suggested, checking my spice rack for the necessary ingredients for artificial stem cells.

"And risk being seen like this?" he squeaked, "Are you fucking high?"

Levi has been shut in here for the past couple days. He should probably be ran, "Didn't I give you that ball of yarn earlier today?"

"I tore it to shreds already," Levi looked down at his hands, "The claws are nice, but they made one hell of a mess. I cleaned it up. And now, I'm bored again."

"I'm sorry about that, Levi," I wonder where I put the other serum result. It'd be nice to do a side by side comparison of the old and new, "But I'm busy."

"You're too busy for me?" he glared me down, "You put me in this hellish position and suddenly, you're busy?"

"It's not sudden." Where did I put my pen? I could've sworn it was just here, "I really am busy, Levi."

"This is an order, Hanji," Levi threw his weight around, "A direct order from your superior. Now, play with me, dammit!"

"You don't look like Erwin," I searched around my lab table. Hey! There you are, pen. Quit getting away from me, "You're too short and his eyebrows are better. Could you imagine if I got Erwin in this situation? Yikes. But nice try."

"Nice try, huh?" _Swat._

 _CRASH!_

"Levi!" I ran for a broom to clean up the shattered beaker on the floor, "You dick! I only get a set amount of those!"

"Hanji," Levi laid on his usual spot, "I've been stuck in this fucking prison for the past three days."

"That doesn't give you the excuse to break shit!" I snapped, dumping the broken glass in the trash can, "If you were an actual cat, I'd be crating your ass for this."

"I'm still bored!" he hissed, "I should be out killing titans. But no. One of humanity's best shots of survival is a goddamn cat because of Hanji Zoe's idiot mistake!"

"Blame Erwin," I pouted, "If tight ass would've splurged a little on my folic acid, we wouldn't be in this mess, but oh, no! We couldn't have that! Heaven forbid that Hanji had nice things."

"Wait, crating me?" Levi finally caught on, "Excuse me? I'm still your superior, Hanji."

"We're in separate divisions," I pointed out.

"We've been on a million missions together!"

"I'm trying to get some work done, Levi," I shook him off, "Find some way of entertaining yourself. I can't play with you."

"For every minute I go unentertained," he put his hand on another one of my beakers, "One of these meet the floor."

"Hold on," I took the beaker from him, "If I go get Eren to play with you, will you leave my beakers alone?"

"Fine."

"Alright," I put my pen down, "Give me a second. And don't go anywhere."

"Where am I going to go?"

Before I left, I thought about taking all of my beakers and hiding them. They needed to be protected from Levi being an asshole. My poor, fragile babies. Now, where the hell was Eren? The only one that could soothe the savage beast in my lab that held my beakers hostage. I hope there's no broken glass to clean up when I get back. Seriously, where the hell is Eren? He shouldn't be that hard to find. Find the salty kid with daddy issues. I may not know where he is, but I know someone who will!

"Armin!" I called out to the little angel. Who immediately caught sight of me and burst into tears. Shit! What did I do? Oh…Never mind, "No, no, no…Don't cry. It's ok. I know you have kind of a PTSD thing with me. Much like a lot of the cadets, but I just have a question for you. I just need to know where Eren is."

"Why?" Armin jumped on the defensive, "So you can bring out his titan again?"

"That was one time…"

"He almost stepped on me, Hanji!"

"No," I promised, "It's for a special project. I'm not bringing out Eren's titan again."

"What kind of special project?" Armin was awfully protective of his best buddy. I must admit, it's admirable. I wish someone cared about me like that, LEVI.

"It's classified."

"On whose authority?" Damn, Armin. I get less questions when I'm getting investigated by the ethics board.

"Captain Levi." This was one of those rare instances I could namedrop Levi and it struck terror into someone's heart. Levi made Armin pee himself on more than one occasion.

"Oh…" he let it slide. Awesome! Thanks, Levi, "You're sure Eren's not in any trouble?"

"I'm sure," I swore, "I just need his help."

"He's in the barracks."

"Thank you!" I ran off to the barracks and dragged Eren back to the lab. I found him reading. I didn't know Eren could read.

"Hanji!" he stumbled, "What the hell are you doing?!"

"I need you to do me a huge favor," I begged, "I know I don't deserve it and I owe you more than you owe me, but you're the only other person that knows about this."

"Is Levi ok?" Eren knew what was up.

"He's fine," I grumbled, "It's my beakers that are suffering. He needs you, Eren."

"Uh…" Aww…It's always cute when I'm talking about Levi with Eren and Eren turns the brightest shades of red, "What do you mean, he needs me?"

"I need to get some work done and I'm getting super close to a breakthrough," I explained, "And Levi's taking his boredom out on my beakers. Can you come keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't get into too much trouble?"

"Sure," Eren wouldn't turn down a request from Levi. Mostly because he couldn't. It's so cute how those two work.

"THANK GOD!" I threw my arms around him, happy as a clam. I'm getting some shit done today! I threw the lab door open and dragged my new favorite person inside, "Levi! I brought you an Eren to play with! Be nice to him. I haven't had the chance to vaccinate him yet."

"Vaccinate me for what?!"

"Various types of parasites," I thought, "CSD, scabies, toxoplasmosis, but I don't vaccinate you for those. We just hope to all holy you don't get any of those. It'd be rabies that you'd have to worry about the most."

"I can give Eren rabies?" Levi wondered.

"Yep," I got back to work, "You are partially cat right now, Levi. Animals tend to spread rabies. Just don't bite him."

"I…don't…"

"The walls in the barracks are thin," I rolled my eyes, "Don't try and play dumb with me. Oh! And given Eren's special conditions, there's no telling what a new, fun disease would do to agitate that, so play nice, boys. Let me get back to work. How many more of my beakers are you replacing, Levi?"

"None," he swore, "I didn't break any more. You were getting Eren. It wouldn't be fair."

"Thank you!" I beamed, "Eren, there's string and feathers and bells in a drawer somewhere. Make yourself at home."

It's amazing how entertained Levi could be with just a string. That was how he and Eren spent the afternoon. Just Levi swatting at a string. And a bottle cap. He was awfully fond of the bottle cap. I bet if I threw my spare hair tie at him, he'd go apeshit. But then, I looked over my notes. And at what I had in front of me. Slowly, but surely, everything started falling into place. There's no way this could possibly fail. I checked every label before putting it into one of my last remaining beakers. Theoretically…

"YES!"

"Jesus Christ, Hanji!" Levi jumped out of his skin, falling to the floor again, "What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"Absolutely nothing!" I grinned, helping him back on his feet, "I DID IT! I GOT IT!"

"You mean, you can get me back to normal?"

"Hell yeah, I can!" I could hardly contain myself, "We'll start bright and early tomorrow morning. How does that work for you?"

"Why not now?!" Levi screeched.

"This needs time to sit and work," I explained, "It's a lot of science-y shit you wouldn't understand."

"Whatever," he dismissed it, "Anything to get rid of my cat ears and my cat tail and my cat everything else."

"I don't know…" Eren ran his fingers down Levi's tail, "You're not too bad as a cat."

"Eren," Levi glared, "Do you remember that threat I made to you when you first found out?"

"Yeah," Eren crossed his legs out of defensive reflex.

"No," he put his foot down, "I'm not staying a cat. I'm not here to be cute and soft and lovable. I'm here to kick ass and take names and run the titans extinct. Remember? If I'm not mistaken, is eradicating the titans your purpose in life, too?"

"Yes…" Eren twisted Levi's tail around his finger, "But…"

"But nothing." Ooh…Levi's getting angry, "Tomorrow morning, Hanji's going to change me back and we're going to forget this ever happened. Hanji, do you have something for that? Some sort of memory erasure drug? That smells like something the inner wall would eat up like candy."

"I don't," I shrugged, "Sorry, Levi. Do you want me to make one?"

"No!" Levi shuddered, "Next thing you know, Eren's going to end up somehow partially a hippo and we don't need that either."

"Or a bunny," I gushed, "Eren, you'd be adorable as a bunny."

"Hanji…" Looks like Armin's not the only one defensive of Eren.

"Alright, alright," I didn't even care at this point. All I knew was that, hot damn, I did it!

 **A/N: So, it appears this story may be coming to its natural end soon. I never intended it to become a full-fledged series. It was only going to be a miniseries. But I loved this idiotic idea that mushed from my brain. And even better, asshole cat Levi is reaching pinnacle. But why I apologized. I don't like to see Armin cry. When Armin cries, I cry inside. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an update for tomorrow on FictionPress to work on and a bed to sleep in. See you next chapter! xx**


	6. The Solution

**A/N: Hi, friends! How are we doing? That's lovely. Let's get into it!**

I love the smell of science in the morning. Aww…Look at sleepy kitty Levi. He can be all bitchy all he wanted. He's so fucking cute like this. Levi's current state was much better than when he's fully human. He's less of a dick and he's totally cool with me petting him now! I like kitty Levi. It's too bad it'll be coming to an end soon. Tea first. Green tea for me. I'm sure black tea and catnip for Levi. Where did I put my kettle again? Or more accurately, where did Levi put it? Sometimes, when he gets really bored, he starts cleaning. There it is! Left of the sink!

It really is too bad I have to change him back. Jut watching him sleep was enough for me. He's calm and quiet and peaceful for the first time in…probably ever. I know this experiment doesn't show it that much, but I really do want good things for you, Levi. You're more than just the titan killing machine everyone sees. If this war ever ends, I want you to get as far away from here as possible. There's a great, big world beyond the walls. I'd love for you to build a house in a beautiful place with Eren. Maybe a couple dogs, if you can find them. I just want you to feel this peace again.

Even though the whistle from the kettle would be enough to wake you from your peaceful slumber, "Good morning, Hanji."

"Morning, Levi," I got a couple of cups down, "I really wish I had somewhere more comfortable for you to sleep, but we have to make do with what we got."

"Don't worry about it," he brushed me off, "It's not much different than when I stay the night with…Never mind."

"Never mind?" I giggled, "That's a really strange way to pronounce Eren."

"Shut up, Hanji." Salty Levi is salty, "So, what are we doing?"

"First," I handed him a warm, steamy cup of tea, "Breakfast."

"This isn't going to make me grow feathers, is it?" Not just salt, but sass, too. I'm going to miss kitty Levi.

"No," I assured, "It'll work more like a sedative. You've had this before."

"Is this the shit with the catnip in it?"

"Yep."

"That's not so bad," Levi took his cup, "This was actually pretty good, if I remember correctly."

"I'd drink it," I shrugged, "But! I need to be at peak performance today!"

"Damn right, you do," he had the sudden realization of what today is, "How are we doing this?"

"Suppository."

"The fuck we are!" Levi jumped back, "You're not going anywhere near my asshole. I'd rather stay like this!"

"Relax, Levi," I laughed, "I'm joking. I'm not putting anything in your ass. I promise."

"You have a fucked-up sense of humor, Hanji," he got back on the exam table, settling down a little.

"I know," I came down, "I'm sorry. No. It's just a couple of serums that should get you back to normal. Although, I do have something I'll have to inject into your spinal cord."

"Excuse me?" And Levi's back to being nervous.

"Yeah," I nodded, "I know. You and needles don't mix well. But you'll be ok. I got an experimental…"

"No."

"Here," I got my first solution into a glass, "You did finish your tea, right?"

"Yeah," he put his empty cup on the counter, "Why?"

"Drink this," I ordered him, "All of it preferably."

Levi downed the first solution like a champ, "Am I cured yet?"

"Not quite." So impatient, "How do you feel?"

"Right now?" he thought it over, doing a quick assessment, "Kind of tingly. Am I supposed to be tingly?"

"That's a good thing," I promised, "Don't worry about it."

"If this wasn't the cure," Levi wondered, "What the hell did you just give me?"

"A liver primer," I mixed the second one and gave it to him, "There's a chance that the serum going into your spine might try to attack some of your other organs, so it's best to keep them protected."

After Levi took one mere sip from the second one, I thought he was going to throw up. He gagged violently, "What the fuck was that one for?!"

"Your kidneys," I went into the fridge and took a small vial out, "In case it decides to filter out."

"That was disgusting," Levi pulled himself together, "Do I really have to drink that one?"

"Yes," I didn't want to play the mom card, "All of it."

"Fine…" he made a face at it like a whiny child. If he's going to be a brat about this, I may have to force it down his throat, "God, that's fucking gross. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to kill me."

"If I wanted you dead," I rolled my eyes, pouring in the next solution that I'm sure he'd enjoy, "You'd be dead by now. I don't want you dead, Levi. I like you. I won't kill you. Now, here. Drink this. It's the last one before I give you the possible cure."

"And what's this one going to do?" Levi drank it down, "Actually…That one was really good. What was it?"

"A vodka sour," I smiled, "I figured you could use a chaser. And I wanted to see what alcohol and catnip would do to you. Besides, doing these kinds of things when you're drunk would be so much easier."

"You may not be my favorite person in the world, Hanji," he told me, "But right now, you understand me better than anyone. And I have to commend you for that."

"You're welcome," I beamed, full of pride. Now…Latex gloves…Where did I put those? I know Levi didn't touch those. They're somewhere in my organized chaos. Desk drawer, maybe? Bingo! Now, for the part I dreaded most, "Levi, take your shirt off and lay on your stomach."

Hesitantly, Levi peeled his shirt off, "Is there really no other way to do this?"

"I'm sorry," I bit my bottom lip, filling the syringe, "I promise it won't be bad. Between the booze and the catnip, you should be feeling pretty warm right now. Just find a happy place. Picture that time you and Eren were in court."

"That was fun…" I may be hallucinating. Because I think I just saw Levi smile. He already was in position…So, theoretically, I could just… _Poke,_ "Ow! What the fuck, Hanji?"

"I wouldn't be making much for sudden movements," I settled him, putting a bandage over the injection site and sealing it with a little kiss. All better, "You were good and distracted, Levi. I had to take my shot."

"You could've warned me," Levi cringed, "Ow…Should the muscles feel really tight in my back?"

"Unfortunately," I held him down, rubbing his shoulders, "How's that?"

"Better," he purred, "A lot better…How long until this kicks in?"

"I'm not sure," I admitted, "I've never tried this before. We'll see how you are by tomorrow morning."

"Does this mean I'm off my quarantine?" Levi asked.

"What quarantine?" I tossed my gloves.

"You said I was on quarantine."

"That was just to Erwin," I chuckled, "You could've left any time, Levi. I never held you in here."

I've never seen Levi's face so blank. He glared through my soul, "Hanji, I hate you."

"I love you, too," I knew better. At his angry, little core, Levi was a big, old sweetheart, "You're all wound up today, aren't you?"

"I'm pissed."

"What else is new?" I held back a smile, "How about we take a walk? You've been stuck in here for the last week. You could probably stand some fresh air."

"Wait," he thought for a moment, "What about…"

"Here," I got his uniform for him, "Your hat hides your ears. Your shirt and your jacket hide your tail. You should be fine."

And so, the two of us headed out to take a walk around the compound. This was nice. The weather was near perfect. The titans were leaving the wall alone. For now anyway. It wasn't often we had peace within the walls. Everything was ok.

"Captain Levi…" Uh-oh. I spy with my little eye the chiseled face of an angel and the most flawless eyebrows in the garrison.

"Good afternoon, Erwin," Levi saluted him.

"How are you feeling?" Erwin looked him over, "I heard you were under quarantine."

"I was," he confirmed, "But I'm feeling much better. Thank you."

"Completely?" Erwin glanced down. Meanwhile, I'm over here, trying not to laugh hysterically.

"Yes, sir," Levi wasn't quite sure how to feel about it, "Hanji took care of it."

"Well, that's good to hear," Erwin let it go, "I'm not sure how long your squad would hold out without you. Eren tried, but…He tried."

"Oh, god, Eren…" Levi sighed out. Probably not the first time…

"I have some business to attend to in the inner wall," Erwin excused himself, "I'll see you later. Hanji, I know you took notes on whatever plagued him."

"Of course, I did," I scoffed, "I take notes on everything that goes on in my lab."

"I want them on my desk," Erwin ordered, "As soon as you can."

"Yes, sir." Oh, shit…I'm going to have to put a little something, something new together for Erwin. Levi told me he didn't want this getting out. I don't want it getting out. Either way, Erwin started to walk away from us and we didn't make any more eye contact with him.

"Hey, Hanji," Levi wondered, "Why did Erwin look down at me when he asked if I was ok?"

"Teehee…" I bit my lip, "No reason."

"What did you tell him?"

"Nothing!"

"Hanji, what did you tell him?"

"I told him you had the flu," I came clean, stifling another round of giggles, "And a rash that accompanied it."

"Dammit, Hanji!" Levi snapped, "I still hate you."

"Hanji!" Erwin yelled after us. Oh, shit…Happy place, Hanji.

"Yes, sir!" I asked, keeping my head.

"This flu strain," he gave me a look, "Does it come along with hallucinations?"

"I'm not sure," I reciprocated, "Why do you ask?"

"Because," Erwin shook it off, "I thought Levi had a…Never mind. I'll be by your lab later for you to check things out."

"Why not the infirmary?" my heartrate spiked.

"You're more specialized," he said, "If I have what Levi had, you'll know how to treat it better than the doctors in the infirmary."

"Sure," I allowed, "Stop by whenever."

"Thank you…" That was close.

"Awesome!" I squeaked as soon as Erwin was out of earshot.

"What the hell…?" Levi jumped, "What?"

"I owe you, Levi," I beamed.

"For what reason?"

"Check your tail," I pulled his jacket down, "Because it slipped out, I got a date with Erwin tonight!"

"Wonderful," Levi rolled his eyes, "Poor Erwin."

"You know what?" I decided, "Why don't you go give your squad a pep talk? They're probably worried about you. The least you could do is let them know you're ok."

"I don't do the pep talks," he brushed me off, "That's Eren's job. I kill. I lead. He inspires. He holds us together. Tell him I said that and I will kill you."

"Levi…" a gentle voice could hardly speak. And I couldn't keep a smile off my face. Those two are so cute some days.

"Eren…" Levi started turning colors. A bright shade of red, "I want you to meet me in my quarters later tonight. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir!" Eren turned rigid. Levi had that effect on a lot of people, "Are you…Do you still have your special problem?"

Levi lifted up the bottom of his jacket, showing his tail to Eren, "According to Hanji, it should be gone by tomorrow."

"Oh…" Eren reached for Levi's tail, but Levi had his jacket down before he even got the chance. Poor thing. By the sounds of it, tonight will be full of that kind of thing, "I guess I'll see you later then?"

"Yes, you will," Levi sent him off. Aww…They're still adorable.

"Well!" I chimed, "This has been fun, Levi. Be careful for the next eighteen hours, ok?"

"I will," he promised, "Have fun with Erwin later."

"Have fun with Eren," I shot him a wink.

"I will." There Levi goes smiling again!

"Hey," I stopped him, "I want you to stop by my lab tomorrow morning. Just so I can see what happened."

"I will."

 **A/N: So, we have a cure. Or do we? We might. I mean, mild spoiler, I want this story done before November, so you don't have to go through NaNoWriMo hiatus. But Levi should be ok…Or will he be ok? And! More importantly, Hanji's got a date with Erwin, who's experiencing mild hallucinations of Levi having a tail. But…Hanji's also having second thoughts. What's stopping her from keeping Levi the way he is now? She does only want what's best for him. Now, I think I'm going to get a little jump on tomorrow and consider bed. See you next chapter! xx**


	7. Just You and Me, Commander Handsome

Night fell over the camps and all of the cute little cadets still wet behind the ears would soon be tucked into their beds. With the exception of those on night duty. They would all drift off to sleep where the blood of every last titan flowed like a gentle river in their dreams. So peaceful…So young. Their whole lives of titan killing ahead of them. But while the little ones are asleep, the higher ups were finishing their day to day work. Some of them considered bed. Some of them drank away the events of the day. All of them except for one of them in particular.

Before he came over, I did a quick check of the lab. Squeaky clean, thanks to Levi's boredom. Nothing about this place really screamed romantic to anyone else other than me, but people question my logic and preferences regularly. What to do, what to do…I could light a couple candles. Anything that's even remotely flammable was put away, so it's not going to be too dangerous. I had a bottle of wine in the fridge. Let's kill the lights. The fluorescents were clashing with the candles. There was definitely a mood in here. That's for sure.

Now, me. I looked myself over in the mirror. Why, hello there, cutie. Aren't you a heartstopper? Alright. I should be good. In a perfect world, I would've made some food, too. However, Erwin didn't trust my cooking. I understand. Even though I am likely the best cook in the garrison, some of the people I cook for…They end up unknowing and unwilling participants of different experiments I've ran over the years. I still owed Eren cookies for the last unknowing participant…That wasn't Levi.

Knock, knock.

Yay!

"Hanji?" Erwin opened the door, taking a look around the dark lab, "What the hell…?"

"Hi there," I chimed from the other side.

"Why in God's name is it so dark in here?" he felt around the wall for the light switch.

"Don't do that!" I panicked. Why would the lights be off? I don't want to weird Erwin out. Then, he'll never want to come back to my lab again and I'll totally blow my chance! Relax, Hanji. Think on your feet. It's gotten you this far, "I blew a fuse earlier. I got one of the tech guys on it. He'll fix it in the morning."

"Oh." Slowly, but surely, Erwin made his way over to me.

"Alright then!" I got a glass from the cabinet, "You want a glass of wine?"

"Is that really a good idea?" he wondered, "Given that this is a medical examination?"

"Oh," I giggled, "That's right. How silly of me. After then."

"Let's just get this over with…" Jesus, Erwin. Just skipping the foreplay. I'm feeling a bit unappreciated. Here I am, offering my professional services (and possibly a little something, something later), and I'm being taken for granted. And all because of alleged hallucinations of Levi's cat tail peeking out from the back of his pants. What a disappointment.

"Whatever you say, Commander Handsome," I didn't want to get gloves because…Well…Let's be honest. If Erwin's skipping foreplay, I'm skipping the protection. But because SOMEONE has to be a stickler for _rules_ and _regulations,_ I'll put on the damn gloves. This date sucks so far.

"So…" For being so bold earlier, Erwin's awfully shy now. I wonder why that is, "I, uh…I don't have to, uh…You don't need to…"

"Come on, Erwin," I coached him, "You can do it. Sound it out."

"Because you said Levi had the, uh…" Aww…I know what he's trying to say.

"We're the only ones here," I assured, "This is completely confidential. The only reason why I told you about Levi's situation was for the good of the group. I won't tell anyone about you if there is anything. Now, spit it out."

"Do I need to show you my…?" Erwin still wouldn't spit it out, but I didn't have to dick him around anymore.

"I don't think I need to see it," I let him go, "I'm sure you're fine. I mean, if you want to, I won't stop you. That's entirely up to you."

"Hanji," he kept a stoic, emotionless face, "Please keep this professional."

"Sorry," I bit my lip, a tad disappointed. So much for getting to see Erwin naked today. He's playing shy. That's ok.

"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"What the hell was that?" Erwin jumped, "Sounds like a stray cat got stuck in a blender."

"I don't know." I held back a laugh, "Maybe there was a stray and a titan got a hold of it out in the woods."

Or maybe a certain someone forgot that the walls in the barracks are paper thin. When he stops by tomorrow morning for a good, thorough follow-up, I'll ask Levi about that. Oh, I hope Eren's ok. But there isn't a titan casually bursting through the ceiling of Levi's room, so they must be switching things up these days. At least I hope so, for Eren's sake.

"So," Erwin asked, ignoring the evening that Eren and Levi appear to be having, "Am I ok?"

"You should be fine," I figured, "But have you been working out more?"

"When do I have the time?" he stared blankly, "On a more serious note, how would you explain my hallucinations then?"

Let's see…Hallucinations. A few things can cause hallucinations. Fevers, bad mushrooms, the fact that Erwin isn't having any hallucinations, but none of those seemed probable. I checked Erwin's temperature. It's damn near perfect. I got it. The one thing that could hit any of us at any time, "When was the last time you got a decent amount of sleep?"

"Define a decent amount."

"So, not lately…" I took a note of it.

"No," Erwin confessed, "Maybe an hour or so, if I'm lucky."

"Alright," I thought for a moment or two. I do have a little something for him. We'll need another glass, though. I poured some wine for the two of us and grabbed a bottle of melatonin, "Take this."

"The wine or the pills?"

"The wine first," I insisted, "It's just straight up merlot."

"Where did you find merlot?" Erwin gasped, savoring every last sip.

"I have some contacts in the underground." He doesn't need to know about my still. Good old-fashioned homebrew sells like hotcakes in the inner walls. I have other expenses aside from my science stuff. I have to keep my garden up somehow.

"This isn't bad," he approved, "You think you could get a case of this from your contacts?"

"If I ask nice enough." And my grapes do well this year.

"And…" Erwin gave me a look, "They are on the up and up, right? This feels a bit sketchy."

"It's fine," I promised, "Once you're done there, take one of the melatonin and go to sleep. If you don't get a good night's sleep tonight, I may need to quarantine you, too."

"I will." You play hard to get, Erwin, "Thank you, Hanji. And thank your underground contacts for me. Will they be discreet?"

"Very, sir."

"Good…" On his way out, Erwin flipped the light switch, turning on the bright ass fluorescents. And he stared into my soul, "Hanji…"

"Yes, Erwin?"

"You didn't blow out a fuse, did you?"

"No, Erwin…" I smirked, "I'll see you around, Commander Handsome."

"Professional, Hanji," Erwin scolded, "Remember. We're not here for a social occasion. We went over this last Thursday."

"Good night, Erwin," I sent him off, watching him walk away. Why do I have a feeling this was going to end with me having a little chat with HR? Oh, well. The one that got away, I guess. Such a shame. One day, Erwin. I will get you one day.

But for now, I've done my good deed for the day. I've possibly cured Levi. I got the opportunity to throw back a glass of wine with Erwin…and get up close and personal. But now, I need to do a grape harvest and visit the still. Erwin did ask nice. Besides, if I can get Erwin drunk, God only knows what that'll do for me. But regardless, I think I earned myself a nice, long sleep. Hell, I might even sleep in for kicks! I can't do that. Levi's coming over tomorrow morning to see if the serum worked. And heaven forbid that Levi Ackerman didn't know what an early morning looked like. That's ok. Early mornings were fine by me. I just hope that he and Eren were playing nice tonight. Alright, Hanji. You've had a good, productive day. Now, get some even better sleep.

 **A/N: Poor Hanji. One would think that there were slim pickings in the apocalypse, but Erwin just shoots her down. Is it bad that I can ship that? Because I can totally ship Erwin and Hanji. But then again, I'm also totally on board the Hanji x Levi ship, too. But now, I'm running on a pumpkin spice fueled crazy train and I think I might actually get some of tomorrow's stuff done today, too. So, next week, we'll find out if the fun that Hanji gave Levi actually worked. It's possible. But we don't know. I'll see you next chapter! xx**


	8. Plan B

It's going to be a good day. I can almost smell it. Something about waking up this morning felt good. Like everything could only go right today. I guess that's a good way to wake up every morning. Given the way the world is these days, that didn't always come easy. It's a fucked-up world we lived in, but at least we're alive. Speaking of the sad, current state of humanity, where is my favorite little ass kicker? Levi was supposed to be here this morning, so I could check him out and see if the serum worked. But here I am, all by myself with no Levi to take care of.

If he doesn't show up, does that mean the serum worked? I guess that'd be neat. That was the end goal. But I must admit. Having cat Levi around was kind of nice. I always had someone else in the lab for a sounding board. When he'd be sleeping, his purring would melt my heart like nothing else. Sometimes, he'd even nap next to me. I'm going to miss that. And for the first time in possibly ever, Levi was at peace. He had exactly what he deserved. Someone else was taking care of him for a change. Eren came over all the time to play with him and pet him. What more could he want?

For now, though, I think I'm going to make some of that catnip tea. It wasn't half bad with a little bit of honey. The calming effect it had was nice. It made me a little less manic and let me focus. I wonder if I gave this to Eren before he lost his shit, it would keep his titan form in check. I bet it would. Another test for another day. After this last one, I think it'll do me some good to back off the science for a while. At least the stuff that involves other people. I have the lab rats for a reason. That's why Erwin got them for me in the first place.

Knock, knock.

I guess it's true. Bring out the catnip and all the neighborhood cats come running, "Who is it?"

"Open up, Hanji," a deep, monotonous voice rumbled on the other side, "It's me."

"Morning, Levi," I threw the door. Let's see. He seemed to be in good spirits. Or not. Sometimes, with Levi, it was hard to tell. And it wasn't often he came in here in full uniform, "What can I do for you? Oh! That's right! You had a follow-up this morning."

"Not exactly," Levi walked in, shutting the door behind him, "Take a wild guess. What didn't you do?"

"Um..." I reached up for his hat and peeked at the cute little ears that were still there from yesterday...and last week, "You're still a kitty."

"Yeah," he hung his jacket up on one of the hooks, his fluffy tail stretching itself out, "I'm still a cat. I thought you said that serum was supposed to work. That the shit that I had to choke down and the pain from the needle was going to be worth it. I'm still a fucking cat, Hanji!"

"It was supposed to work," I gave him some tea to mellow his cranky ass out, "I'm sorry, Levi. Maybe it just needs a little more time."

"Time nothing!" Levi hissed, "This better be the good shit."

"Of course, it is," I assured, looking him over, "I really am sorry, Levi. I thought it was going to work."

"But it didn't!"

"Yelling isn't going to solve anything," I scolded him. Let's see...What am I looking for? Maybe some more of those stem cells? That could help, "What to do, what to do..."

"Maybe you could try actually fixing me, Hanji," Levi suggested, a bitter, sarcastic tone in his voice, "Or...I don't know. Maybe this is going out on a limb, but giving me to someone that can ACTUALLY FIX ME. I'm sure there'd be someone in the underground of the inner walls that could do something."

"Levi, you'd be dissected," I pointed out, "They would tear you apart to find out what exactly is making you tick. Or you'd be sold to the highest bidder to do God only knows what. Is that really what you want for yourself?"

"No."

"Alright then," I shut him up and continued to search around for something I could throw together to accelerate the growth of the stem cells, "Aside from there being no change in your physical state, how are you feeling?"

"I've been puking every hour on the hour since I woke up," Levi reported, "And I have a wrenching pain in my back."

"That might be from the injection," I figured, lifting the back of his shirt. It was a bit on the red side. But then, I remembered what else happened last night, "Or it might be from you bottoming last night."

"What?" he gasped, "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, nothing." As if he didn't know, "You know, when I was with Erwin last night, we heard a loud noise coming from the barracks. Almost like a stray cat was being torn apart. Or it might have gotten into the trash."

"Shut up, Hanji," Levi glared at me, turning a bright shade of red. I knew it, "Just hurry up and fix me."

"It's worse than I thought it'd be," I bit my lip, "Hey, Levi, we may have to surgically remove your ears and your tail."

"Excuse me?" he perked up, "I don't think so. I don't trust you putting me under heavy sedation."

"I love you, too," I ran my hand down his spine, "If we're being honest here, I think I may actually have to put you under quarantine this time around."

"No," Levi put his foot down, "You're going to fix me right this fucking second and I'm going to go about my daily life. Is that understood?"

"No," I shook my head, "I'm sorry, Levi, but we really can't have this getting out to anyone on the off chance it can spread. Having a few of the cadets with mutations is plenty. Having you with this is plenty. Anyone else and it's overkill. You are getting quarantined."

"My ass, I am," he got up from the exam table and started walking toward his jacket, "I'll be in the inner wall if you need me."

"Wait!" I stopped him, "Don't go anywhere yet."

"This better be good, Hanji," Levi growled, "If this isn't a cure, I will walk out this door."

"I do have something I cooked up last night," I went into the fridge and got out a little bottle, "It's kind of like a plan B if what we did didn't work."

"Tell me it's not actually Plan B," he scoffed, "I'm already partially cat. I don't need a temporary uterus, too."

"Plan B isn't going to do that," I rolled my eyes, "Giving you a temporary uterus would be a lot more complicated than that. Not that I wouldn't be able to do it. It'd be a relatively simple process…"

"NO," Levi shook his head and stared down at his boots, "Hanji, has anyone ever told you that you need to be tested?"

"I can test myself," I gave him a look, "Why? What would I be getting tested for?"

"What's this plan B?" he asked, already done with me and my shenanigans.

"Show me your neck," I ordered, readying the syringe.

"Can you at least give me some warning this time?" Levi begged, "Last time, I damn near punched you."

"Yeah," I threw him a bone, "I'll count it down."

"Thank…" _Poke,_ "GODDAMMIT, HANJI! YOU HAVE TO FUCKING STOP DOING THAT."

"You'll be fine," I pushed down on the plunger, "How's it feel?" 

"Warm," Levi squirmed under me.

"No, no," I stabilized him, "Don't move around so much, Levi. You should know better by now."

"Sorry," he sat still.

"So, it's warm?" I brought us back, "How else do you feel?"

"Kind of…" Levi blinked a few times, "Dizzy. Should I feel dizzy?"

"Yes," I caught him as he fell into my arms.

"What did you give me?" he struggled to keep his head up. Wow. That worked quickly.

"A mixture of codeine and a chemical called glutethimide," I told him, bringing him down to the exam table, "It's typically used for treatment of extreme insomnia."

"Then," Levi swayed a little more, "How is that going to help me?"

I hated to do it, but it had to be done, "You weren't listening, Levi. You will now."

"Hanji…" his eyelids grew heavier by the second, "What…What did you…"

I really am sorry it had to be this way, Levi. You should've just listened to me. But you had to run your mouth. You had to threaten going to the higher ups. You had to threaten going to the inner wall. You had to doubt me. You really should know better. I made you this way and I'm the only one that can fix you. I told you that you weren't leaving and that I was putting you under quarantine. Why would I do that? Because you're sick, Levi. I'll make you all better. I promise. This is all for your own good. And to think, I woke up this morning thinking it was going to be such a good day.

 **A/N: I had no intentions of this taking a dark turn. Originally, the serum was going to work and everything was going to be all nice and fluffy. But then, A PLOT TWIST! BAM! Here we are. So, Hanji has kind of gone off the deep end. She does really have Levi's best interests at heart, but she also completely blows off his opinions on the matter. SO! We need to give Hanji a hug and Levi an out. And a cure. I'm going to get this off the table right here and now and say that no. Hanji's not severing limbs. It's not going to get that bad. So, next week, it may be the end. It may not be. Would it be cool if you guys were in on the NaNoWriMo hiatus, too? Yeah? No? Ok, cool. See you next chapter! xx**


	9. So, This is It

**A/N: Hey! Hi! Hello! Look, guys. I'm not a hundred percent sure yet, but this may be the last chapter. I'll say this. It's been a hell of a ride. It's been fun. If it is, we'll get mushy at the end. If it's not, then we'll need to have some words. But it's been a long ass day and if we don't get through my outline today, then we'll talk. I'm going to shut up now. Because Hanji's gone a little off the deep end and we need to see how this is going to work itself out. K? Ok!**

Oh, Levi...This really wasn't the way I wanted this to go down. I was hoping you would've stayed here willingly. But you just had to run your fucking mouth. Threaten to use your underground friends in the inner wall. They wouldn't be able to cure you. Only I can do that. You just had to get a toe out of line. You should've known better. You really should.

Twitch, twitch.

Oh, shit. Not good. I got up and ran for more liquid nighty night. I mean, it's not like I was stupid about it, though. Handcuffs work like a charm. Don't ask why I have handcuffs. It's classified. They're typically used to restrain someone that gets a LOT bigger than Levi. And a lot stronger when he's angry. But those handcuffs are only temporary. Hopefully, I won't have to resort to using a cage with him.

"What the hell..." Shit. No. As long as I kept him all drugged up, he wouldn't go anywhere. Levi sat up while I prepared another syringe, "Hanji, what have you done?"

"Shh..." I jabbed the needle in his neck, cradling him gently back to his bed, "It's ok, Levi. I can handle this. Everything will be just fine."

"What did you do?" Levi rattled his cuffs. He's going to end up hurting himself and we can't have that. If the serum doesn't work, then I'll have a test subject for a little while longer. While he's been sleeping, I ran a few more tests on some of the rats he didn't catch. Things were looking rather promising.

"Don't worry about it," I brushed him off, "Just go back to sleep, Levi."

"No," he snapped, "I'm not going back to sleep. God only knows what else you'll do to me. Now, what the fuck did you do to me this time?"

"It's only a matter of time," I sighed out, "You won't be able to fight it anymore. I gave you some pretty powerful shit. Although, this last dose wasn't as strong as the initial one. I wouldn't want to give you an accidental overdose. That wouldn't be fun. Nor do I want to explain that to the higher ups. I'm sure they would court martial me for something like that and I'll have to pass."

"Why are you doing this?" Levi's voice softened, "At least tell me that much."

"Because I'm not ready to let go!" I choked out, "Because you deserve better, Levi. You're more than just the titan killer everyone else sees. We've known each other for quite some time now. Not many people can say they've seen you at rock bottom. And only one person in the entire world can say they've seen you lower than that. Who do you think that is?"

Levi went dead silent. I knew his ass wasn't sleeping yet. And even more so, I knew he knew exactly what I was talking about. One of our first scouting missions...and one of our first major losses. Levi and I were lucky to get out of it alive. Some of our friends? They weren't quite so lucky. Nothing cuts deeper than survivor's guilt, "That was low, Hanji."

"You're more than just a killer, Levi," I shook, sitting on his bed, "You're more than what our circumstances have made you. And you know it. Deep down, there's nothing you want more than for the titans to be done and over with and to retire somewhere you've never seen before. Or maybe deep down, you don't want this to be over."

"How could you...?!"

"Maybe there's something deeply satisfying about plunging your sword in a titan," I grumbled, "I'm not pretending that there isn't titan blood on my hands, but no one has more of it than you. And maybe that's the way you like it. One day, you'll forget your name and people will just call you by your body count. Because that's what this war has made you. I won't apologize for my feeble attempt to bring you back down to earth. To remember somewhat of who you are. Of why we're fighting in the first place. But I am sorry for the way this happened. Chalk it up to being a victim of happenstance."

"Hanji..." Levi's eyelids grew heavier, "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," I allowed, "What?"

"Are you keeping me a cat on purpose?" he wondered, "Just so I don't have to go out and fight anymore?"

"No," I shook my head, "I was playing with the rats earlier and tested the serum. Because they have a smaller circulatory system, it ran through them faster and it works. We just needed some time and I can't have you running loose. If you would've went to your buddies in the underground, God only knows what they would've done and what kind of reaction that'd cause. But I could tell your patience and trust in me were both running thin, so I ran out of options. The time off isn't going to kill you, Levi."

"But how many are dying without me?"

"We haven't had any casualties in a week," I smiled, "So I guess we can call that good news, right?"

"Yeah," Levi laid his head on my shoulder, "I can take more time off when there aren't any more titans walking around."

"Just let me take care of you," I begged, "Please?"

"My god, Hanji," he rolled his eyes, "We really need to get you a hobby that doesn't involve genetic splicing. Or get you laid. One of the two."

"Well..." I thought, biting my lip, "We're here now, aren't we? It's kind of late. I still have the candles from the other night..."

"Not on your fucking life." Ok. Tough crowd. I mean, Levi's not the worst looking guy in the world, but he's not my first choice either.

But then, a moment of hope shined down on me. Levi knows people. Levi's kind of a higher man on the totem pole, "Do you think you could…Maybe get me Erwin for a night? And possibly breakfast?"

"I could talk to him," Levi shrugged. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a piece of his cat ear start to evaporate.

"Shut up, Levi," I watched intently, "How are you feeling right now?"

"Really tired," he continued to fight sleep, "Why?"

"Because you're turning back to normal," I reported, "Your ear's going away."

"Really?" Levi chirped, coming to again, "Give me a mirror."

"Sure," I jumped up from his bed and got the mirror out of one of the desk drawers, "Go ahead. Watch. This is fascinating…"

He's turning back…This was the goal, right? Then, why is it bumming me out so much? I guess I really wasn't ready to let this go. But it had to happen sometime. Levi noticed my sudden loss of energy, "Hanji? What is it?"

"Before you completely turn back…" I requested, "Do you think…Just this once…Can I pet you?"

"If it keeps you from ever asking that again," he decided, "And if you promise to never unwillingly use me as a test subject again, yes. You can pet me."

"I promise," I beamed. Dammit…I'm out a test subject. I always have the cadets to play with if I really wanted to.

"You know," Levi thought as I ran my hand from the top of his head, down his back, doing all I could to not hug him and squeeze him and snuggle him. Keep it together, Hanji, "If you tell anyone this, I may have to kill you, but this feels kind of nice."

"Really?" I never really thought about it. Color me curious.

"Yeah," he curled up in my thigh. Don't squeal, Hanji. I know you want to, but keep it together, "Eren found a spot last night that felt particularly nice. Just above the base of my tail. A sentence I never thought I'd say."

"You mean…" I ran my fingers across the top of his tail, making him purr a little, "Right here?"

"Oh, yeah…" Levi moaned, but then, he caught himself, "I mean…Yeah. That's where…You're wrong, you know."

"What am I wrong about?" I gave him a look. It's not often I'm wrong.

"I really can't wait for the day I can retire," he shut his eyes as his tail began to fade, "When I can put all of the bullshit we've been through behind me."

"If you ever need to do this again," I offered, "Without you being a cat again, my door's always open. Come by anytime."

"Thank you, Hanji," Levi let out a tiny yawn, "But chances are, that's not going to happen for a while."

"You know," I thought it over, "I bet I could tweak what I had originally planned for a super steroid and use it more for agility. Would you be willing to take part in another clinical trial for a…?

"No fucking way."

"Fine," I let it go, fully understanding. And the last bit of Levi's tail had gone away, "Well, Captain, looks like you're one hundred percent human again. Thanks for playing."

"I had a horrible time," Levi joked darkly, "Does this mean I can go now?"

"Yeah," I pouted, unlocking his handcuffs, "I'm going to miss having you around here, Levi."

"We don't live far from each other, Hanji," he pointed out, "I can almost spit from your room to mine. And we're still going to be fighting the good fight together."

"Be sure to get some rest," I ordered, "As your friend, makeshift doctor, and therapist…"

"You're not my therapist, Hanji."

"You're probably going to sleep like a rock tonight," I figured, "And you're still healing. Once everything's out of your system, you should be right as rain again!"

"Wonderful," he got up from the bed and stumbled a few steps.

"Easy, tiger," I held him up, "You feeling ok?"

"Yeah," Levi nudged me off, "I'm fine."

But then, he fell into one of the tables. Luckily, I caught him before he fell to the floor, "Levi, I know you don't want to, but maybe you should stay here tonight. You're in no shape to be out there. I promise I'll leave you alone."

"And…?"

"And I won't watch you sleep."

"And…?"

"And I won't try to take your temperature."

"And…?"

"And I won't make out with you while you're sleeping."

"Or…?"

"Or spoon you."

"Alright," Levi curled up in bed, "Good night, Hanji."

"Good night, Levi," I pulled the blanket over him and left him alone. It's going to be a downer not to have him around anymore, but at least we were still buddies after everything. The next morning, I sent Levi off with a note pinned to his jacket. Before we did anything, I had to check my pantry. Flour…Brown sugar…White sugar…Eggs…Butter…Chocolate. Yeah. We should be good.

"Hanji?" my favorite little cadet chimed at the front door, "Levi told me you were looking for me! I'm not doing any experiments for you. And I'm not getting anyone else to do them. Fool me once."

"Hi, Eren!" I squealed, "Kitchen!"

"What are you doing?" Eren came over to me while I finished setting things up.

"I owe you cookies, don't I?" I smiled, "And you said you wanted to watch?"

"Because I don't trust your baking anymore."

"Alright then," I got a bowl from the cabinet next to the stove, "Shall we get started?"

 **A/N: Well, looks like we won't have to have the talk. I was going to say we were going on NaNoWriMo hiatus, but this is it. This is the end. And I thought, what better way to end it than with Hanji coming through on a promise she made to Eren? This poor baby just wants cookies.**

 **So, I wasn't looking to write god tier fic here. This was just a casual idea that poured out of my brain. But I will say this. I loved how it turned out. I wanted to try writing for a new fandom and I did it. Albeit kind of short, I still liked it. Parts made me laugh, parts made me cry, and parts made me very confused, but in the best way. To any and all of you that took this weird ass journey with me, thank you. I love you. No, this won't be getting a sequel, but I might write another random secret of a different member of humanity's finest. If not, then feel free to leave any requests for any fandom in any of the review sections. And if you're reading this in the future, that goes for you, too. Don't be shy. I'm still here. So, I'm going to go finish up my preparations for NaNoWriMo. Wish me luck and I'll see you later. xx**


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